Wag the Dog

Did I mention that I had two beautiful kids. My babies and I used to spend a lot of time together, taking long walks in the park, eating ice-cream from street side shops, running along the beach and hiking through little known trails. My kids were a bundle of energy, quite low maintenance and were amused by almost anything that I did. The only time they ever gave me a hard time was when I would give them a bath once a month. Oh, I’m sorry, by “kids” I meant my two rather large and hairy dogs. They used to be the love and joy of my life. If you’re a dog (or animal) person, you know what I mean when I say that I loved my two dogs more than anything else in the world.

Unfortunately, I haven’t seen my two babies for more than half a year. My ex-wife decided to keep them as part of the divorce. When you to talk someone about divorce, they always ask whether you had kids or not. “Oh, it’s always so terribly hard if you have children to go through a divorce.” I really wouldn’t know. My X and I thankfully never had any children, but we did have the two dogs that we treated like our own kids. What most people don’t realize is that it’s just as difficult to get a divorce when pets are involved as children. The question always comes up as to who gets to keep them. In our case, if I had fought the decision, the court would separate the two dogs and give us one each (US courts see animals as property, therefore during a divorce, they get divided equally). I for one thought it would be unfair to separate the dogs so I let her keep them.

Why bring this up now? Well, I found out yesterday that one of the dogs is going to have surgery on her legs today because she injured herself while playing over the weekend. I have all these thoughts going through my head like any parent would if their child was going to go in for surgery. The difficult part is that I can’t help but feel like I’m not there for my baby. What if something happens to her? Would she feel more at ease if I were there? I miss her so much. To me, this is the real sacrifice. When I initially went through with leaving everything behind to be with my cousin, people had warned me that the sacrifices I would have to make in return would be too much to handle. They mentioned things like not being able to speak to my parents or not being invited to family events and weddings, losing my house and everything that I owned. It’s funny because giving all that up was not that difficult (although I must admit that not being able to talk to my dad has been really tough). Although physically and financially I may have less than I had before, it’s worth it because I’m with someone I really love and enjoy sharing my time with. Every time I look at her, I am reminded of why it was worth giving all that up. But the one thing that I can’t help but miss are the dog.

I don’t know when I’ll get to see them again. I don’t even know if I have the option to see them at this point. I find myself asking even if I had the option, would I want to see them? Why bring back all the feelings, especially for the dogs. I assume it’s hard enough that they haven’t seen me all this while, but if on top of it they saw me and I would have to leave again, I think that might really hurt them even more.

So here my pointer for the day folks...if you’re in a position where you really want to be with someone, the way you really know if that’s the one true person is if you’re willing to truly sacrifice things that mean the most to you, in order to be with that person. Despite the fact that I miss my dogs terribly, there isn’t a doubt in my mind as to why I left everything behind. Although it’s hard, I think my life was much harder when I was not able to see or be with her on a daily basis. If you want something so badly, make sure you’re willing to give everything else up for it and have no regrets.

For now, my thoughts and prayers are with my baby. I hope her operation goes off well!

Another day in the life of the Disowned Desi!

Lost

We were on top of a mountain, somewhere in the middle of Austria…lost. My mother had decided to stay back at the hotel and sleep while my father and I ventured off with nothing more than a bottle of water to the top of a remote mountain. We decided to do it “desi style”, my father equipped in his khaki work pants and leather dress shoes and I wore a colorful flowery short sleeve shirt (which my mother had bought for me) and a pair of brand new starch jeans with creases down the middle. It started off as a well-planned expedition with plans of taking a cable car ride up the mountains to beautiful scenic town on top, eating at an outdoor café and then exploring some trails. All was going well, till we decided to be bold and took a detour off the trail. My father and I soon found ourselves lost wandering through hills and hills with knee high grass, occasionally being greeted by a grazing cow or horse. After two hours of continuous walking, we hadn’t seen a single house or human and had depleted our supply of water.

Although the scenery was breathtaking, I couldn’t help but feel frightened. Being lost anywhere when your just 10 years old isn’t a lot of fun, leave alone getting lost in the middle of Europe with no map, water or food. I remember trying to act brave and not show my father how scared I was feeling…scared that we wouldn’t make it back…that no one would find us…that I would never see my mother again. It was at that moment, as if he could read my mind, my father put his hand over my shoulders and gave me a tight squeeze. He didn’t say anything. He just looked at me and smiled. Although not a word was exchanged between the two of us, I knew exactly what he meant at that moment. In that one shoulder hug coming from a man who was never very physically affectionate, I knew he was telling me that everything was going to be all right…that he was there and was going to figure a way out…that I shouldn’t be afraid because I have him. Funny enough, all my worries went away in that one moment. I remember thinking to myself that I’ll never feel lost as long as I have this man next to me. As it turned out, we finally found a farm where a nice couple that spoke absolutely no English redirected us to the closest town after replenishing our water supply.

Well, that was 18 years back. As of today, I haven’t spoken with my father in over half a year. Not because I don’t want to but because he has decided to disowned me as his son. You see, six months back, I made a decision that changed my entire life. I had hidden the fact that I was in love with this girl since I was in my teens. I hid it from my parents, my extended family (well, all except for one of my cousins who happened to be my best friend growing up), my friends and even the girl I married a few years ago. Why did I hide it? The girl I was in love with for all these years happened to be my first cousin.

Hold on…before you think anything else, let me clarify some things for you. No, I didn’t grow up in Kentucky, no I didn’t vote for Bush and no I don’t drive a pick-up truck and go country line dancing on the weekends. I grew up in a fairly affluent Indian family, went to top schools and traveled extensively throughout my childhood. I didn’t come from a conservative family where I was expected to have an arranged marriage or wasn’t allowed to date or see women. On the contrary, growing up, I went on dates regularly and had relationships with women from diverse backgrounds. My point being that I had exposure and options, therefore the decision I made was not due to ignorance or oppression.

Half a year back, my entire family found out that I was in love with my cousin and that I was leaving everything behind to go be with her. I made the decision because I was tired of living a lie. It’s hard to describe how hard it is to lead such a deceptive life for such a long time. Going day to day pretending you’re someone else, not being able to be with the one person you really want to be with. The hardest part was when my cousin and I used to meet at family gatherings and vacation and had to put up an act. Mind you…I think we did a pretty good job because for all these years, no one caught on.

I’m going to save some of these stories of another day. For now, let me tell you that my cousin and I are together. We live peacefully in our little home and try not to bother anyone. Although I’m saddened by the fact that my father hasn’t spoken to me, I’m consoled by the fact that I no longer have to lie to him. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of him. Despite the fact that he no longer acknowledges me as his son, how can I forget that this man’s my father? How can I forget the friendship, love and comfort he’s provided me for all these years? There are days when I really miss him and I remember that moment up in the mountains. When we were lost, he didn’t have to say anything for me to understand how he felt. In a way, even today, he doesn’t have to say anything to me for me to know just how he feels about me and vice versa. I sometimes feel a little lost without him but now that I’m an adult, I think I will find my way on my own. Here’s my two cents for you: If your father is in you life, love him, spend time with him and cherish that relationship that you have. Not everyone is as lucky as you.

What I'm all About...

Is love really unconditional? I don’t mean the kind that you experience with your significant other or with your friends. I’m talking about unconditional love amongst family members, mothers and daughters, fathers and sons. If someone had asked me half a year back, I would have yes definitively. Back then, as my best friend from college would have put it, “life was peachy”. I lived in a brand new house, married with two beautiful dogs, went to all the social events and parties and was overall acknowledged as a reliable friend, a faithful husband and a loving son, Basically, I was living the American dream, with the house with the white picket fences, the dogs and the whole nine yards. And then…I got disowned…by my parents, my extended family and most of my friends. Believe me, you haven’t seen this many people abandon ship since the Titanic sank. The friends, I understood. The family, I didn’t. I thought love was unconditional. Want to know what happened?

Well, it’s a long story and I decided to finally sit down and write about it. If you’re interested in finding out how and why a “good Indian boy” got himself disowned by his entire family then read on. But before you proceed, I want to point out the following. My intent is not to justify any of my actions, which led to me being disowned, nor is it to prove a point. I assume there are going to be several instances when you will be either shocked or angered by my actions or thoughts. My intent is to tell you a story that is honest and show that nothing in life is simple, predictable and that there are always two sides to every story. I also hope that in whichever small way, this gives hope to any others that might be holding out on following their dreams or finding true love in fear of being disowned by their family. The one thing I will promise is that these documentations and reflections of my past and present will surely be entertaining! So read on and enjoy. I'll tell you what it's like to live the daily life of a Disowned Desi!